For the last decade, I’ve written and researched the connections between perfectionism, depression and suicidal feelings. My special passion is defining what I call “perfectly hidden depression,” where the perfect-looking life can serve as camouflage for painful memories and emotions that may not be outwardly expressed but can grow more potent. I’ve done that through authoring a book, Perfectly Hidden Depression (New Harbinger Publications, 2019), hosting the SelfWork Podcast and giving a TEDx talk that has earned almost 900,000 views. Honors students live very much in a world of high expectations and pressure, both internal and external. I hope these students’ questions help you understand that stability of your mental and emotional health is vital.
These questions are inspired by student Q&A at an Honors Pulse Discussion held by Dr. Rutherford.
Dear Dr. Margaret:
I’m proud of the academic accomplishments I’ve had so far in college. I’ve been able to do research earlier than many of my peers and gain a lot of internship experience that I know will help with my job search. These achievements have come with ongoing anxiety about keeping up my successes and feeling isolated from many social aspects of being in college. I feel like I’m missing out on the fun parts of school. How do I find a balance between being high-achieving and enjoying my time here?
—Searching for Balance in Fayetteville
Hello, Searching:
I’m reminded of a quote from Dr. Gordon Flett, a renowned researcher in perfectionism, who describes the trap experienced by many extremely high achievers: “The better I do, the better I must do.” I recommend that you take some time to figure out where you learned that work must always come before rest or relaxation, or how this overly anxious thought of “I’m only as successful as my last success” takes hold. You’ve cited choices that reflect your work ethic and passion. Those don’t disappear when you take time to refuel. The technique of mindfulness might also help here: when you’re working, your mind is fully engaged. And when you’re at play, the same goes.
Dear Dr. Margaret:
I’m on a pre-med track and preparing to take the MCAT soon. I’m studying hard, but I’m extremely worried about getting a bad score. So much of my self-worth feels wrapped up in how the test goes and my med school prospects. How do I separate myself from the number on paper?
—Stressed Out from Springdale
Dear Stressed Out:
There’s no way to deny that the MCAT is important. I don’t know if your worry is about a history of not doing well on tests or if you’re worrying about what else you’d do with your life if you did not go to med school. That’s an important distinction; it seems the latter may be true. So, where does that pressure come from? What would you do if your score wasn’t what you’d hoped? Would you apply to other schools? Would you work in another health field and try again? Basically, I’m suggesting that you not box yourself in and imagine/create more of a sense of resilience: “I’ll be okay if ‘x’ happens because this is what I’ll do.”
Dear Dr. Margaret:
My best friend is involved with a ton of RSOs and on the leadership for our sorority, in addition to being in a difficult STEM major. She’s performing at a high level and getting her work done, but always seems really stressed out and in a panic. I don’t think she sleeps much, and she jokes a lot about crying all the time. My other friends are concerned too. But whenever anyone tries to talk to her about taking care of herself, she just brushes it off or makes it into a joke. Is there a good way to get her to open up about this? Am I being too nosy?
—Worried from Dallas
Dear Worried:
You certainly aren’t being too nosy. First, ask her if she’d be willing to have a conversation with you about your concerns or observations—a real conversation. You can even say, “You often make a joke when I try to say something, and I’d like to really talk.” The fancy word for that is “meta-communicating,” talking about talking. But stick to what you notice… for example, “You always joke about crying, but you don’t seem to open up to any of us.”
One in three students across the country reports experiencing symptoms of depression, so it’s important we take these signs seriously. On the University of Arkansas campus, the Pat Walker Health Center offers 24-hour emergency mental health services for students, faculty, and staff by calling 479-575-5276.